My Weaknesses.

Oh gosh. Where do I even begin. My whole life, I've been told to be strong. I've been forced to be strong. Alone. I've realized this week– from the fiasco with Jake and Carissa– that I can't do this alone. That I can't go through life alone. I'm not strong enough. I never will be. I could never be. No one could ever be. Life is too short to even TRY to go through it alone. Why try. Christ has given us the gift of strength. All we have to do, is offer Him our weaknesses. After all, what would we be without weaknesses? We would be, essentially, perfect. I know that's impossible. So why try? Why go through life attempting to live it on my own. Attempt to be strong through every situation. Every accident, every fiasco, every catastrophe, every hurtful word. I can't be strong through it all. If only I would let Christ take over. Let Christ take the wheel. His strength is made PERFECT in my weakness. It's awesome.

A Father's Day Without

Today is Father's Day. Today I spent another year without him. I feel that I've become so numb to that. I've become so okay with the absence of my father in my life that I don't even think about it anymore. I some times catch myself; I catch myself forgetting who he is. I catch myself forgetting who he was; to me, he was a hero. A man who was so mighty that he could slay any dragons that I faced in my life. He could heal any wound I had with the slightest kiss or the most tender words. Things came to an abrupt change when we moved – 13 hours away. I thought it would be the same, but I never knew things would be so different. We left without so much as a kiss or a good-bye. That was the most pivotal moment in our relationship.

After this, my dragons and monsters were no longer cured by fathers voice, but they were pushed away in the deepest depths of my heart and soul. Some times I wonder what happened in the years that passed. What changed? I often asked myself, "what did I do?" Why did this happen to me? Birthdays passed with no phone call or card. I would try to ignore the pain I felt in the pit of all that I was. Soon, it became a reaction. It was automatic; it was a habit. After so long, I didn't expect anything anymore. I didn't expect his voice over the phone or his handwriting in a card. It was only three years ago, while I was visiting in Pittsburgh that I took the initiative. I took the first step back into our relationship. I called around and talked to him for the first time in almost five years. His voice sounded the same. We made plans to see on a day that he didn't work.

That week, I saw him for the first time in nearly 8 years. His hair was a little bit grey but he looked like the same man that could take away the monsters. I didn't know what to do or say. It was awkward. He didn't know me. He didn't know who his own daughter was. He met the stranger of me– nearly an adult. That night was long and uncomfortable, but I soon eased into it. As the afternoon turned into the evening, I realized that I had to say goodbye; my flight home was in the morning.

A rush of emotion came over me as I realized how much I missed my father. The only one who could overcome the dragons and monsters of my childhood. I realized that I didn't want to go home. That my heart was longing for his love and compassion. I realized how much I truly missed him over the years. As I preparing to leave, we cried in each others arms. Our hugs seemed to last for ever. It was the first time I had hugged my own father in what seemed like a life time. I did not want to let go. I didn't want him to leave me again. I didn't want his voice to fade away like it had before. I wanted to moment to last forever. Unfortunately, we both knew that we had to part once again.

Today, I thought about that night. I thought about my father. I thought about everything that happened. I realized that he missed me grow into a woman. I realize that he will never ever get that back. He has missed out on something that he can never regain. I have realized that it will never hurt me as much as it will hurt him. Although I have missed out on several hairs going grey, he has missed out on my turn from childhood to womanhood.

His pain is much greater than mine. I do not doubt that my father regrets every second that he has missed and that he would do anything for that time that he has missed. But the reality of it is that he will never see me playing baseball. He will never see me participate in a spelling bee. He will never watch me blow out the candles on my 16th birthday cake. He will never be able to say, " Merry Christmas" for all those years he's missed. They are all lost in abyss of time. In that aspect, I have a greater appreciation for him because, even today, he is with me, albeit through texts and short phone calls.

This time, he has not let go and I appreciate that more than I could have appreciated the time he could have given me before. The time he is giving me in the present is more important that regaining the past. I have forgiven what has passed and will continue to do so for the rest of forever. This is something that God has instilled into me– unconditional love.

Adam and Eve

As I was reading through by Bible last night, I realized that it must have been so freaking funny to see the whole Adam and Eve business go down. It sucks that they kind of ruined it for the rest of mankind, but whatever. I forgive them.

But really. Think about it. First God created Man– Adam.

"God formed Man out of dirt from the ground and blew into his nostrils the breath of life."

//gen 2.6

I mean. I'm a visual kind of person, and when I read that God blew into his nostrils. If you've ever blown into someone's nose, the air just goes right down the nasal passage and comes out your mouth. It makes an obnoxious noise and feels incredibly awkward. I mean, what was Adam thinking in that moment?

God creates humans to "be responsible for every living thing that moves on the face of the Earth" ( //gen 1.28). And this includes, but is not limited to, naming each animal that roamed the Earth. What a job this must have been. Really though. Adam had that whole DEAL in his hands. Imagine if he named them differently; would I be sitting on a whale? Would I eat with a rhino and quail? Would my sofa really be a shark? Really though! I could go televisioning out on the ocean and catch a notecard. How awesome is that.

I love the fact that as I'm reading this lovely chapter in genesis in my lovely msg remix Bible, I am able to visualize the stuff that seems everyday and ordinary. One thing though, that I must point out. My favorite part of genesis 2 is that it makes a strong point that God has always given us a choice in life. Neither Adam nor Eve was perfect. In fact, they were only created in the image of God. They were to be god-like. They were not created to be perfect in any way.

"God commanded the Man, ' You can eat from any tree in the garden, except the Tree-of-Knowledge-of-Good-and-Evil. Don't eat from it. The moment you eat from that tree, you're dead.' "

//gen 2.16-17

Even in the days of Adam and Eve, humans were given a choice to follow God or follow their own flesh's desires. Unfortunately for Adam and Eve, they too were vulnerable to what Satan had to offer. That has not changed in today's time. It's just a few thousand years later is all. Fortunately for us, there is always a choice that is granted to us. It is up to us to chose.

A Plethora of Books

So this summer, I've decided to take it upon myself to read one book per week for the summer and possibly beyond. I have a preliminary book list set out for myself; it's growing, which is good!

Thus far, my book list includes the following:

San Francisco is Burning, Dennis Smith

Stalin as Revolutionary, Robert C. Tucker

Epic of Gilgamesh

The Illiad and the Odyssey, Homer

A Day in Old Athens, William S. Davis

Oedipus Rex, Sophocles

The Republic, Plato

Selected works by Aristotle

Metamorphoses, Ovid

Beowulf

The Divine Comedy, Dante

Sir Gawain and the Green Knight

The Canterbury Tales, Chaucer

Utopia, Thomas More

Selected works from William Shakespeare

Paradise Lost, John Milton

The Pilgrim's Progress, John Bunyan

Gulliver's Travels, Johnathon Swift

The Federalist, Alexander Hamilton

Selected - if not all- works from Jane Austen

Frankenstein, Mary Shelley

Moby Dick, Herman Melville

That's just a preliminary list; I'd also like to read a lot of the things I just skimmed over in high school, like The Scarlet Letter and The Great Gatsby. Most of all, I'd like to read 1984, by George Orwell, and Brave New World, by Aldous Huxley. Two years ago, I did these books a disservice by writing a 12-13 page paper about them, even though I did not even read it. Although it is one of my most amazing moments, I should have given them more credit considering the stuff I pulled from it was totally awesome! 

On top of reading a book a week, I also would love to read an article a night of several books I have: 

Politics: Observations and Arguments (1966- 2004)

World of the Past

Wester Civilization: A Brief History

and several of my old text books that I never read. 

I do suppose I have a lot ahead of me. However, I need an objective for this summer; I will not subject myself to yet another summer without purpose.

__________________________________

Currently Reading: San Francisco is Burning, Dennis Smith

On Deck: Pride and Prejudice, Jane Austen

The Beauty of Sound

Some things just amaze me. I don't know why. But they just do. Take, for instance, sound. As I was mindlessly playing with chimes the other day, I was caught in a trance by the beauty of sound. The way God made sound is phenomenal. Vibrations that travel through SPACE enter the ear and the brain interprets it. All of those factors ... are just mind blowing. The idea that music is just sounds put together ... renders me speechless and just causes me to fall even more in love with Him. It is a beautiful thing; it truly is. The length each chime or the thickness of a stringed instrument gives of a unique frequency. This frequency is part of a range of frequencies that we, as humans, are able to "hear" and interpret. The vibrations travel through the inner ear and is intercepted by the eardrum which sends signals to the brain using neurons, axons, and dendrites and our brain decodes the noise. All of this happens in milliseconds or less. 

God– You are amazing.